you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
