I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
