Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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