My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
