do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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