I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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