she woke up with a sticky ear
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
