walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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