i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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