While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
