Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
