please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
