Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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