OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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