I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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