I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
