Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
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