also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
wow bdsm is so cute
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
