Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
