"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
being pregnant is like rehab
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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