Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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