3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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