i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
