This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
