You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
