So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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