Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
