I didn't shave. On purpose
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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