My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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