we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
