She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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