I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
