Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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