Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
