The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
