Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
