that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
