Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
