I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
