You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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