My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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