Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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