She is in my trunk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
