just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
