I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
