He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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