Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
His nipple licking is glorious
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