when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
