Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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