Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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