I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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